Whenever there are two or more women in a cicle discussion, the topic of relationships is bound to rear its head. Discussing men, love, marriage, sex, kids etc is not uncommon. In fact, its super common. Almost annoyingly common. But, I would be a huge liar if I said I didn't participate or have some commentary to add here and there. The last few conversations I sat in on/contributed to, left me thinking...
A co-worker said that the relationship with your first boyfriend- i don't mean the sucka you held hands with in elementary school- shapes how you interact or view relationships afterwards. Pretty much saying, that your first boyfriend jades you. Now, I could agree with that and when I was 22, I probably would have. Not to say I am this super mature being, but I do credit myself for growing up and being a critical thinker. I can't blame my first boyfriend for failed relationships post him, or my behavior while I was in them. I can't blame the second or third either. I realized that any unhappiness, pain and sorrow I experience is of my own doing. Let me expound....
Its not to say that the interactions you have with other people inside relationships does not influence your development or taint your mental/physical/emotional state - because they do. I am not saying that you are the sole reason for all your anguish. To get personal, I haven't had one boyfriend who was the alpha and omega and I am sure they would say I wasn't either for whatever reasons. But, its okay because we were and will forever be growing people who have to learn. However, at a certain point you start to figure out what you want, need and like. The problem though is ensuring that you get it- which brings me to the next topic that has been getting a good deal of my mental energy- desperation.
A friend and I have concluded that women have this issue where we are super desperate for love, affection and attention. We see a "man" as validation, even if that "man" aint shit. A "man" validates beauty and how much you are wanted. As I get older, more women are fearing that the lack of a "man" means you will end up a spinster because you won't get married. *blah, blah, blah*. I put "man" in quotes because most of the "men" we deal with who aren't mature enough to provide what we need and want, are just "boys" who think that we are play action figures or something. The real issue though is the fact that we let them. See, it doesn't have to be a "Niggas aint shit" campaign. We could just do a " I want more and you aren't doing it for me" rally.
If we stop feeling like we need a "man" to feel good, then we would be much better off. At the same token, we could also work on ourselves so that we are ready for a Man. Once we are confident enough in ourselves to be without, we will see oceans full of fish who want to be hooked. Its never easy to walk away from someone you love, I get that. I have been there. It took me a while to leave just about every serious boyfriend I had. I mean, like the breaking up process was forever- like longer than the relationship itself forever. One of the most recent ones led me to beg this question of myself " why are you doing this?" and when I didn't have an answer that was true to me, I just stopped worrying about him. I have no negative feelings toward him and hope that he finds his peace and happiness in all that he does. I just realized that I need and want much more. The way I saw it was this, the longer I spend time going back and forth in a relationship that is going no where and has me feeling cruddy, the more I am passing up on meeting and being with someone I could have a healthy relationship with - I think that's what pretty much had me sold!
If we stop feeling like we need a "man" to feel good, then we would be much better off. At the same token, we could also work on ourselves so that we are ready for a Man. Once we are confident enough in ourselves to be without, we will see oceans full of fish who want to be hooked. Its never easy to walk away from someone you love, I get that. I have been there. It took me a while to leave just about every serious boyfriend I had. I mean, like the breaking up process was forever- like longer than the relationship itself forever. One of the most recent ones led me to beg this question of myself " why are you doing this?" and when I didn't have an answer that was true to me, I just stopped worrying about him. I have no negative feelings toward him and hope that he finds his peace and happiness in all that he does. I just realized that I need and want much more. The way I saw it was this, the longer I spend time going back and forth in a relationship that is going no where and has me feeling cruddy, the more I am passing up on meeting and being with someone I could have a healthy relationship with - I think that's what pretty much had me sold!
These dudes be acting up, and we just be letting em. SMH Desperation, amongst other factors, is the cause for this. When you are thirsty, you can become delusional. Think of being in a desert without water and seeing a huge Mr. Kool-Aide guy filled with water- yea that's called a mirage. This same mirage exist within relationships when you are thirsty- you get crazy and start thinking the relationship/man is something it isn't. I can only say this because we have all been there. I've been thirsty for love...shit who ain't. But we have been quenching our thirst with flavored sugar water (Kool-Aide) and over time that shit turns out to be no good for you. I'm trying to get that good ole PURE H2O and a tall fucking glass of it. In order to do that, I have to be OK with walking away from anything or anyone who is not giving me what I deserve. I don't expect to obtain perfection-shiiit I ain't perfect. I just want something that's real based off of my own standards. Be the best Man you can be in order to maintain a relationship with the best Woman that I am. If a "man" ain't given you no act right, let that piss ant go. Trust me, there will be others. No need to stress it. As my beloved friend would say "soon come baby". Everything is going to happen how and when it should, but if you don't make space in your life for it, then you will really end up bitter and you will be responsible for that.
Remember, no one can make you feel any way unless you let them. People will do to you what you ALLOW them to do. So overall, I can't blame anyone but myself. That's not to say that these dudes in my past weren't assholes or didn't do some fuck shit- which Karma always takes care of- but I played a large role in how they treated me by staying around too long. I am glad I figured that out and am sure that there is much more to learn. To be honest, I look forward to what else the world has to offer now that I'm no longer desperate for half ass love. Don't nobody got time for that! Nobody- including you.
Be Love, Peace and Light Y'all!
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